2. The second step is that YOU need to CHANGE
YES --YOU and your significant other and the way you relate to YOUR ADDICT. You need to stop and think before you buy them a new car, pay for college, pay for their apartment, groceries. What do you think you are you telling them if you still want to take care of them? You’re telling them that they can’t take care of themselves. You’re telling them that you don’t have any faith in them, that without YOU they are NOTHING. And I KNOW that that is NOT what you meant!
You meant to reward them for accomplishing their goal. You meant it to be a help up—not a hand out. But that isn’t what you are saying, bless your hearts. That is why YOU need to CHANGE. Because even though you mean well, you are the biggest part of the problem. I went so far as to make friends with the so-called well-adjusted families. What did they do that we didn’t? I was on a mission. Guess what I learned? They have problems too, only they handle them DIFFERENTLY. My husband used to say, be like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, BE LOGICAL. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
In order to change you need to read or better still listen to WHO MOVED MY CHEESE by Spenser Johnson MD.
My paraphrase from an old copy of Courage to Change-Al-Anon Family Groups © 1992
Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution. My thoughts racing inside my head may be too noisy to hear my inner voice or the guidance it is offering. Quieting the noise is a skill I can learn with practice. In Al-Anon practice makes progress, one minute, one thought at a time.