I Want More: A Survivor's Declaration

I Want More: A Survivor’s Declaration

I am the child of an alcoholic.
The wife of an abuser.
The mother of an addict.

And let me tell you something—

I am not just an expert
at surviving chaos.

I am a survivor.

I learned early
how to keep my head down,
keep the peace,
keep the secrets,
keep my mouth shut—

because silence felt safer
than telling the truth.

But silence
doesn't silence the ghosts.

It only teaches them
to whisper louder.

So I learned:

The first step
is admitting something is wrong.

The second—
is finding your voice
and talking about it.

And the third—

is reaching back
to help someone else

find their way out.

From 2011- 2012
I facilitated a poetry group
at Habilitat,
the place of change, a drug rehab in Hawaii.

I thought I was there
to help them find their voices.

But somewhere between
the poems,
the pain,
the laughter,
the tears—

they helped me find mine.

Together we produced—

“Powerful Words-Opening Doors,
Chicken Scratch Bridging the Gap-A Poultry Poetry Slam and

Navigating Change: Making a Difference.”

Words became doors.

Doors became choices.

And choices became
the courage
to finally leave

an abusive marriage.

Thirty-six years.

Thirty-six years
of being unhappy
and alone.

Thirty-six years
in a world that wasn't ready
to help battered women.

Back then,
we couldn't even have
our own credit cards.

So don't tell me
change happens overnight.

Sometimes change
takes a lifetime
to begin.

Twenty years ago,
I attended a writing retreat
at UH-Windward on Oahu.

I went there
to tell my story.

I didn't know then
that telling the story
would become part of
saving my life.

Because here's the truth
nobody tells you:

Leaving doesn't mean

the ghosts leave with you.

You can escape the house
and still carry it
inside your head.

You can leave the man
and still hear his voice.

You can change your address
and still live
in the old patterns.

Because sometimes
we are attracted
to what is familiar—

the same things,
the same men,
the same lies—

because familiar
can feel like normal.

And when everyone
around you is sick,

sometimes you mistake
survival
for belonging.

So you fall.

You go back.

You repeat.

You try to reinvent yourself

and sometimes—

you fail.

But listen to me:

Failure is not the end
of your story.

Surviving
is getting back up.

Brushing yourself off.

Looking at the pieces
and saying,

"All right.
Let's build again."

It isn't easy.

Sometimes it isn't pretty.

Sometimes it isn't even
a little bit cheesy.

Sometimes healing
looks like crying
in the bathroom
and walking back out
anyway.

Sometimes healing
looks like saying:

No.

No, I will not
kowtow to anyone.

No, I will not
be owned.

No, I will not
be stuck.

No, I will not
be a slave
to someone else's addiction,
anger,
expectations,
or lies.

No.

I want more.

So when I say,

"My name is Cornelia,"

I am not simply
introducing myself.

I am declaring myself.

I am saying:

I am done
with just surviving.

I am done
with just being okay.

I am done
repeating the same mistakes
and calling them destiny.

I want more.

More than survival.

More than making it
through another day.

I want to thrive.

I want to reclaim
everything I lost.

My voice.

My joy.

My choices.

My dreams.

My name.

My life.

And I want to go
beyond hopelessness
without pretending
that the darkness
never existed.

Because my scars
are not evidence
that I was weak.

They are evidence
that I stayed.

That I fought.

That I got back up.

And then—

I moved to Florida.

And what happened?

COVID happened.

Hurricane Ian happened.

Hurricane Milton happened.

Tornadoes spun up
and tore through lives.

Storm after storm.

Loss after loss.

And still—

I am here.

Why?

Because somewhere inside me
there was a voice
that refused to die.

A voice that kept saying:

I want more.

So if you're listening to me
and you're still trapped
in your own ghosts—

hear me.

You are not what happened to you.

You are not the person
who hurt you.

You are not your worst mistake.

You are not your relapse.

And you are not required
to stay where you were broken.

You can speak.

You can ask for help.

You can leave.

You can begin again.

And if you fall—

get back up.

If you fall again—

get back up again.

There is no shame
in beginning again.

There is courage
in beginning again.

Because sometimes
the greatest act of rebellion
is simply deciding:

My story isn't over.

So I stand here today
not because the storms
never came—

but because they came,

and I remained.

I stand here
with my voice intact.

With hope in my hands.

With tomorrow
still calling my name.

And I believe—

God has a plan for me.

But I also understand
something now:

God gave me a voice.

God gave me a choice.

And God gave me
the courage
to make a plan for myself.

So I will not
just survive this life.

I will live it.

I will love it.

I will speak.

I will create.

I will help someone else
find the door.

And when the ghosts
come knocking—

I will not open the door.

I will turn toward the light.

Because I know now:

The past may be part
of my story—
but it does not get
to write the ending.

My name is Cornelia.

I am still here.

I am still rising.

I am still becoming.

And after everything
I have survived,

after every storm,

after every goodbye,

after every broken piece—

I choose hope.

I choose life.

I choose me.

I want more.

And this time—

I am going to get it.

 

  

Kealoha Slam Poetry with Connie D at Habilitat Hawaii

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EQfXXntUlRM

Written, hosted, performed and co-produced by Connie D. Also starring: Habilitat Residents, Sarah S. Ocie G., Mark B. and Shannon N. and featuring Special Guests, Marcia Zina Mager and  Kealoha, Hawaii's First Poet Laureate.

Navigating Change: Making A Difference: is a call to

 Save our Planet's Coral Reefs.

Be A Good Neighbor and Do Your Part

10 Easy Steps to Help Protect Coral Reefs

Do you want to make a difference every day? Want to learn about simple, effective actions you can take to help save coral reefs and the fish, animals, and plants that depend on them? You've come to the right place!

1.    Conserve water: The less water you use, the less runoff and wastewater will pollute our oceans.

2.    Help reduce pollution: Walk, bike or ride the bus. Fossil fuel emissions from cars and industry raise lead to ocean warming which causes mass-bleaching of corals and can lead to widespread destruction of reefs.

3.    Use only ecological or organic fertilizers: Although you may live thousands of miles from a coral reef ecosystem, these products flow into the water system, pollute the ocean, and can harm coral reefs and marine life.

4.    Dispose of your trash properly: Don't leave unwanted fishing lines or nets in the water or on the beach. Any kind of litter pollutes the water and can harm the reef and the fish.

5.    Support reef-friendly businesses: Ask the fishing, boating, hotel, aquarium, dive or snorkeling operators how they protect the reef. Be sure they care for the living reef ecosystem and ask if the organization responsible is part of a coral reef ecosystem management effort.

6.    Plant a tree: Trees reduce runoff into the oceans. You will also contribute to reversing the warming of our planet and the rising temperatures of our oceans. Help us Plant a Billion.

7.    Practice safe and responsible diving and snorkeling: Do not touch the reef or anchor your boat on the reef. Contact with the coral will damage the delicate coral animals, and anchoring on the reef can kill it, so look for sandy bottom or use moorings if available.

8.    Volunteer for a coral reef cleanup: You don't live near a coral reef? Then do what many people do with their vacation: visit a coral reef. Spend an afternoon enjoying the beauty of one of the most diverse ecosystems on the Earth.

9.    Contact your government representatives: Demand they take action to protect coral reefs, stop sewage pollution of our oceans, expand marine protected areas and take steps to reverse global warming.

10. Spread the word: Remember your own excitement at learning how important the planet's coral reefs are to us and the intricate global ecosystem. Share this excitement and encourage others to get involved.


For more info or to make a donation: contact your local Nature Conservancy

The Nature Conservancy of Hawai'i
923 Nu`uanu Avenue
Honolulu, HI 96817
Phone:  (808) 537-4508
Fax: (808) 545-2019
E-mail: hawaii@tnc.org

Powerful Words – Opening Doors is a Poetry Slam Dunk!

Prepare to be inspired, aroused and LOL!  

Powerful Words – Opening Doors is a Poetry Slam Dunk!

The production begins with a skit in the tradition of Saturday Night Live.  Add in six Author interviews sprinkled throughout, fourteen brilliant performances and we are LIVE, HAWAII!  
This time, I‘ve invited my friends, who have powerful and passionate things to say, that have overcome obstacles and opened a few doors of their own. Women who ROCK!  
Heavyweights like my  friend,  Kumu Hula, Anita `Ilima Kauka Stern who has has agreed once again to bless and  open the Pen Woman conference at Punahou this March. My old friend, Kathryn Waddell Takara, a highly accomplished author and retired UH professor, who has a distinctive voice and style and my new Pen Woman friend, Marcia Zina Mager, who does an inspiring RAP that you just have to hear!  Another of my W.C.C. Writing Retreat friends, Peggy Baxter Barnhardt, joins us to share about being a slam judge and her thoughts on the homeless situation and Marilyn Maya Mendoza, an author of a memoir, who I shared the podium with at the Kapolei Public Library who suffers from panic attacks.   She fills us in on a thing or two about mental illness.  
It is my distinct pleasure to introduce the Habilitat Resident Poets.  Deven R., Logovae A., Sarah S., Kalani M., Sherlyn A., Shawn H., and our sketch artist,  Kahoku.  A big thank you to my Artist friend, Jenee Wonderlich for the sketch stand.  Thank you to Caroline D. and Natalie G. for appearing in the opening skit and for my eloquent introduction.  
Thank you to my son, Jason DeDona, and my husband, Capt. Tommy DeDona,  who contributed their talents to construct and paint our set.  
Special thanks to Jeffrey V.  Nash, Habilitat’s Facility Director and our Olelo producer, whose creative talents worked overtime to film, refilm, edit and leave very little on the virtual cutting room floor. I couldn’t have done it without you!
In conclusion I’d like to quote a verse from the Nickelback hit song, ~ When We Stand Together -- That’s When We All WIN!!   I love the lyrics in this song!
Powerful Words--Opening Doors: Slam Poetry at Habilitat Hawaii

Coming Soon to Olelo—Stay Tuned!

Words are the keys that unlock the healing power within each of us. 
Authors, Slam Poets, Poets and Habilitat Resident Poets and Artists join together to
inspire a healing connection through the power of the Spoken Word. 
Get inspired and plug in to your power. 
In Order of Appearance:
Cornelia "CONNIE D." DeDona http://www.corneliadedona.com      
Kumu Hula, Anita `Ilima Kauka Stern http://insightmedia.us/alohablessings/index.html

Marilyn Maya Mendoza http://fromagoraphobiatozen.wordpress.com    
“I am honored to have been part of such a powerful program. I hope you all watch this and enjoy the talent of the young residents as well as the invited guests. We gave our all. aloha!”

Peggy Baxter-Barnhardt http://bookstore.xlibris.com/Products/SKU-0036785017/default.aspx

Marcia Zina Mager http://www.marcia-zina-mager.com  

Dr. Kathryn Waddell Takara http://www.kathrynwaddelltakara.com      “I just want to say cheers to your efforts, organizational skills, successful networking in bringing together such a wonderful diversity of voices, and an altogether successful evening at Habilitat. The video tells it all. Thank you so much for making it happen and including me, and all done in such a creative and memorable way.”
Habilitat Hawaii is a long term residential treatment center. Contact Habilitat at 1-800-872-2525 or go online at:  http://www.habilitat.com

Powerful Words—Opening Doors

Closed Poetry Slam Show

January 29, 2012

Habilitat-the place of change

Coming Soon--to Olelo and the Internet 

Hosted by 
Cornelia Connie D. DeDona

Special Guests

Kumu Hula Anita `Ilima Kauka Stern

Author, Poet Dr. Kathryn Waddell Takara

Author, Poet Marilyn Maya Mendoza

Author, Poet Peggy Baxter Barnhardt

Artist, Author, Poet Marcia Zina Mager

Featuring Habilitat's Resident Slam Poets

AND A FEW SURPRISES!

Produced by Jeffrey V. Nash

Cornelia Connie D. DeDona is an Author, Poet and Slam Artist

She is the award-winning author of Letters to a Prisoner by Connie D., released in Jan. of 2011.    She first appeared at First Thursday’s Fresh Café Poetry Slam hosted by Kealoha in October of 2010 where she wowed the judges with her poem, “I Want to be a Poet”. She has been published in Rain Bird, Windward Community College’s award winning annual journal, since 2008.  Her poems and photography have also been published in various online and print magazines

Kumu Hula, Anita `Ilima  Kauka Stern

is a retired educator, has taught creative writing at the women’s prison in Kailua for six years.  Through the Prison Writing Project, she has helped inmates publish five editions of their work in Hulihia.  She divides her time between writing, teaching hula and the study and practice of Hawaiian spiritual traditions. Ms. Stern lives in Kailua with her family. http://www.alohablessings.com/chant2.html

Marilyn Maya Mendoza was born in Brooklyn NYC and has lived in  Makaha, Hawaii for the last 35 years. Her debut memoir,"From Agoraphobia to Zen" was released in June 2011 to good reviews.   An English teacher at Stevenson Middle School and earlier Japan, Marilyn is working on her second book, a memoir in poetry. http://fromagoraphobiatozen.wordpress.com/

Dr. Kathryn Waddell Takara is a performance poet, author, retired university professor, and motivational speaker. Winner of the American Book Award in 2010, she has toured and read her poetry across the Hawaiian Islands, the USA mainland, in Africa, and China. She has published three books of Poetry: New and Collected Poems, Pacific Raven: Hawaii Poems, Tourmalines: Beyond the Ebony Portal. Contact info:  www.kathrynwaddelltakara.com

Peggy Baxter-Barnhardt  is originally from Cincinnati, Ohio and  North Carolina, she now makes Kapolei, Hawaii her home.  She is the author of Season Of Light, written in 1996 and  last  released in 2009. She is presently writing a book about Hawaii's homeless situation to be complete in 2012.   Mrs. Barnhardt's poetry is powerful and electric. "' Writing has always been my passion, fueled by my mother’s razor wit," she states. Her first submission as a child was to Humpty Dumpty magazine.  http://bookstore.xlibris.com/Products/SKU-0036785017/default.aspx

Marcia Zina Mager is an author, journalist, poet, award-winning mixed-media artist, as well as performance artist. Her books have been translated into ten languages. Her international best-seller, BELIEVING IN FAERIES: A Manual for Grown-ups, is now available as an e-book, along with her trendy 31 Words to Create an Organized Life. Marcia regularly entertains audiences in Chinatown as a wild improviser with HomeWreckers, and also performs her original slam poetry at Fresh Café’s First Thursdays.

Visit her at http://www.marcia-zina-mager.com/