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Steps to Sanity cont.

The fifth step is Forgiveness

Forgiveness is another form of detachment.

Addiction is a family disease. There is no getting around it. It’s in our DNA. Although some people think that we are at the mercy of our genes, our environment and our upbringing, I strongly disagree. It is a CHOICE. Sooner or later, no matter how you interpret it; it is time to GROW UP.

Addiction is a CHOICE that we make on a daily basis, nothing more and nothing less.

But let me ask you, for the sake of argument, if your family had Cancer or Alzheimer’s would you be mad at them? Of course not, you would do everything in your power to be supportive, to make them as comfortable as possible and to show them how much you love them.

Addiction is a little trickier though, because of the stigma attached to it.  We love them but our thinking has become distorted and so we end up showing our love in inappropriate and unhealthy ways.

Todays’ reminder from Al-Anon’s Courage to Change ©1992

Every time I try to tighten the noose of resentment around someone’s neck, I am really choking myself. Today I will practice forgiveness instead.

“You can’t hold a man down without staying down with him.”~ Booker T. Washington

Steps to Sanity (from a Survivor)

The fourth step is to BE KIND or as I like to call it, Detaching with LOVE Mr. Spock.

Isn’t that brilliant? So how do I do that?  Read my lips, I am not a Vulcan. This isn’t Star Trek, I actually have feelings, feelings that I can’t just shut off like a water faucet. So HOW am I going to perform this act? The circus left town.

In order to be kind you need to step outside of your feelings for a moment, you need to do just what is askedwithout over analyzing and putting your own smarter point of view over on people. If they need a ride to work and you are already going that way, stop and give them a ride. It’s just keeping it simple. addressing the need and keeping it real. You may not approve of their lifestyle or behavior at the moment but you can still be kind.  You can listen, offer advice when they ask for it, and then you can mind your business and get a life.  


By get a life, I mean invest some time in things that inspire you, things that may have been set aside because you were too busy with a career or raising a family. After my husband and I retired I took up Golf and learned much more than a game, I learned how to live and become a classy mature woman.  I learned to take my experiences and make them count for something. I learned that I had something worth sharing outside of those dark meeting rooms. Al-Anon is great when life is too overwhelming, I recommend it in the beginning but if you are still there after thirty years and you’re not a sponsor, you are still stuck. You, my friend, need to get a life.

From Al-Anon’s Courage to Change © 1992

Today’s reminder Nov. 4

I no longer have to depend on any one person or situation (meeting) to get on with my day.   Today I have choices.

"Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never entrusts his life to one hole only." ~ Plautus

Step number three is let go of your FEAR:

Again, I know, this is like asking for a miracle.  I can hear what you are thinking because I’m psychic.

But, what if something happens to him/her And I’m Not There? What if he/she needs a ride somewhere? You know important shit like--What will he/she eat? Where—OMG—will he/she sleep-- If I’m NOT THERE?  My son spent plenty of nights sleeping on the beach, under a tree, on a chair, or on the floor of some garage.  And I in all my magical godlike powers was right there with him—WORRYING! Funny in retrospect, that doesn’t sound too godlike does it?

You can’t live their lives for them and you shouldn’t even try!  I remember how I was at that age—you couldn’t tell me anything. I had to learn it for myself. What made me think that my child was any different?

LETTING GO OF YOUR FEAR will set you free. It will un-stick you, remove the paralysis that threatens to take you down and swallow you like quicksand.

I know that when I do something positive instead of worrying, like going to a meeting,  for a walk, taking a yoga class, or volunteering,  will help. Taking that first step, finding people in the same situation as yourself, and getting out there will take you out of your self-imposed isolation. It will restore you to sanity.

My take—on Al-Anon’s Courage to Change © 1992

I am proud of the fact that I am a survivor. I've experienced  many struggles in order to arrive exactly where I am today. Today I know that I am  much MORE than my troubles.  I am a human being with dignity.  I have a wealth of knowledge that I can share with others who are going through similar difficulties.  I needn’t FEAR the challenges of the future. I know that I am a stronger person as a result of what I have been through. I am ready to pass it forward.

“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”~ Charles A. Beard

Step to Sanity--cont.

2. The second step is that YOU need to CHANGE

YES --YOU and your significant other and the way you relate to YOUR ADDICT. You need to stop and think before you buy them a new car, pay for college, pay for their apartment, groceries. What do you think you are you telling them if you still want to take care of them?  You’re telling them that they can’t take care of themselves. You’re telling them that you don’t have any faith in them, that without YOU they are NOTHING. And I KNOW that that is NOT what you meant!

You meant to reward them for accomplishing their goal. You meant it to be a help up—not a hand out. But that isn’t what you are saying, bless your hearts. That is why YOU need to CHANGE. Because even though you mean well, you are the biggest part of the problem.  I went so far as to make friends with the so-called well-adjusted families.  What did they do that we didn’t?  I was on a mission.  Guess what I learned?  They have problems too, only they handle them DIFFERENTLY. My husband used to say, be like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, BE LOGICAL.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In order to change you need to read or better still listen to WHO MOVED MY CHEESE by Spenser Johnson MD.

Well……

My paraphrase from an old copy of Courage to Change-Al-Anon Family Groups © 1992

November 1

Todays’ reminder

Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution.  My thoughts racing inside my head may be too noisy to hear my inner voice or the guidance it is offering.  Quieting the noise is a skill I can learn with practice.  In Al-Anon practice makes progress, one minute, one thought at a time.

“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone”~ Blaise Pascal

Steps To Sanity

NOVEMBER is CRYSTAL METH AWARENESS MONTH--

My son is still in a program the twelfth or thirteenth— I've lost track. He’s been everywhere from Hina Mauka, a 28 Day short term treatment center on Oahu to the Salvation Army, to Habilitat, a long term residential facility and now Drug Court an outpatient two year state sponsored supervised release program. He’s about two months from graduating—and I’m holding my breath-- because what usually happens is he graduates and then he relapses about a week later. Then it takes the courts about a year to catch him because well-meaning ENABLERS will HELP him by giving him money, a place to sleep, and a  motorcycle to ride around in.  The legal system is burdened—there is an epidemic of drug addicts out there. We are the family of a Meth addict.

Don't get me wrong--my son has a job. He is in a responsible position and in a “relationship” according to his Facebook  status. We are NOT friends on Facebook. I am too embarrassing, too loud for his taste.  I want to share my book Letters to a Prisoner by Connie D. and that makes him uncomfortable—he wants to put all that behind him. He wants to MOVE ON with his life. 

My husband and I have been permanently changed.   GOD or WHOEVER  has left HIS  imprint on us-he’s tapped me on the shoulder, shaken  me, kicked me in the ASS a couple of times and rudely awoken me from my stupor which pretty much sums up the way I used to feel.  My face has premature lines, although I still look pretty according to my husband. Of course his near vision isn’t what it used to be.

Stressed out doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s been over ten years. And yes, I still have hope. Go figure!

SO, HOW DO YOU SURVIVE—when your whole world is crashing down?

EASY, you start by taking care of YOURSELF.  You understand that there is absolutely NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE what THE ADDICT does. TRUST ME on this! It takes TIME to calm down, to snap out of your reverie but there is LOADS of THAT. YES GOD, I’M LISTENING!

** Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. ~ Winston S. Churchill

Stay tuned for number two……