Golf Rant

Golf makes me ponder
life’s eternal mysteries
and scratch my head
thinking
how hard can it be
to hit a stationary object
from a stationary position
with the sun shining in your eyes
three hundred and fifty yards from a four-inch hole?

Did I mention
that you have to swing with
your inferior hand and arm
not the one you are used to using 
NOPE--the OTHER ONE
the arm and hand that has a mind of its own
that would bitch slap you if it could
and who is the jackass who invented this game anyway?

I mean, whose idea it was
to sink a white-dimpled ball into a four-inch hole
in FOUR strokes or less
two of those strokes being putts?

Putting is a key component of mastering the game
because that hole
is getting smaller as we speak
and don’t tell anyone this
but I saw the hole move
to the right 
on more than one occasion
and it’s always after I make my putt
And No, I wasn’t drinking!

This makes me think
that you have to be either manic 
or a serious alcoholic
to keep up 
with moving holes, undulating greens, and passing cloud bursts
because on the off chance 
that you aren’t either of those
you would have to 
spend every spare moment
PRACTICING
or LIVE ON the Golf Course
and we all know that people who live on golf courses
don’t play golf
because those little white balls
crash through their windows
from time to time 
annoying the family pet
who has more pressing things on his mind
like how to get out of the weekly
grooming appointment
because darling Mr. Pepper
doesn’t do Frufuu
and he ain’t wearing
No Stinkin Pink Bows!

So that wayward golf ball 
crashing through the window
could set this stressed-out canine off
resulting in some pretty nasty repercussions
like rapid-fire barking and
confiscating said golf ball 
producing a domino effect
witnessed by other stressed out golfers 
intent on hitting
their stationary ball
now distracted
and missing their shot
aiming instead at 
the aforementioned poodle
with the pink bow
who has a white golf ball
with YOUR NAME ON IT
in his mouth
and won’t let the said player
have it back 
who in turn
won’t let anyone else play through.

Now have I mentioned 
that the rules state 
to play the ball as it lies
or take a two-stroke penalty?

I mean, have you heard of anything dumber
then playing a game where
you are expected to penalize yourself
AND be honest about it?

I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

Beavers Spotted on the I-70

C-B

Trucker lingo

confirms a Big 10-4

eyeballs a carload of beavers

hot—dam!

CB Radio--Truckers way of communicating--popular in 70-80's
Beavers-women
Big 10-4- totally agree

Beaver Sighting

Bandit: Breaker, breaker--This is the Bandit, I got the hammer on the floor and looking for more on the I-70 heading west at mile marker 95 coming out of Kansas City—on channel 2-4 anyone got their ears on, come back?

Rock: You got the Rock on channel 2-4 heading towards Denver; I’m at the front door–mile marker 100 heading west. Bandit change to channel 2-2, come back.

Bandit: 10-4, changing to 2-2. Rock this is the Bandit, I got the back door–seen any bears in them woods- come back?

Rock: Ease back on that hammer Bandit we got a Papa bear in a plain brown wrapper at the 99 mile marker, come back.

Bandit: Thank you kindly Rock. Whatcha hauling, come back?

Rock: Life is better with Coca Cola, come back.

Bandit: I’m at the Ball Park with some Angus beef franks, come back.

Rock: Bandit, we got a beaver sighting at the 103 mile marker doing a double nickel—repeat a pack of beavers coming at you with their top down. Got a pink one and the sun is shining bright, come back.

Bandit: Repeat, did you say a beaver pack, come back?

Rock: Should be coming up real soon—four beavers with their top down in a shiny red convertible, come back.

Bandit: That’s a big 10-4, Rock– and they’re smokin hot.

Rock: I’m heading to the Golden State of California, come back– been rolling since 3am.

Bandit: 10-4, hooking up in Wyoming the Equality State—gonna suds ‘em up and find me a sleeper leaper at the pickle park, come back.

Rock: That’s a big 10-4, I’m dancing solo—got me a honey back in San Antonio.

Bandit: Roger that Rock, thank you kindly, this is the Bandit signing off-catch you on the flip flop.

Rock: That’s an affirmative Bandit, Breaker, breaker--you got the Rock heading west at mile marker 175 keep your wheels on the ground and your tool well oiled—anybody out there got their ears on, come back?

CB Radio Slang
On the floor and looking for more: accelerating to full speed
Front door: first truck in the convoy
Back door: last truck in the convoy
Double nickel: 55 miles per hour
Papa Bear- State police
Plain brown wrapper: unmarked brown vehicle
Beaver: woman
Flip flop: on the return trip
Sleeper leaper: working girl
Pickle park: rest area known for working girls
Suds: beer

Smile!

Picture

natural world

inspired by a prompt

unique mixed media designs

collage

Comedy Theme-cinquain

Picture
hilarious
inspired by a prompt
unique mixed media design
collage

No Labels

Flexitarian

Pescatarian

Vegetarian

call it whatever you want

I Don’t Eat Meat!

I woke up the other day

thinking I knew

WHAT I was.

I was wrong.

I got an education in

the many types of vegetarianism

It is more complicated than I thought

apparently I’m NOT ONE

nope-- none of the above.

I actually thought I might be a Pescatarian

for half a minute

but I’m NOT that either

Sound frustrating?

All I know for certain is

that I don’t have any health problems

bleeding hemorrhoids

indigestion

or weight gain.

I exercise

I take my vitamins and

occasionally when the dust bunnies

threaten mutiny

I even vacuum.

I love Netflix

and frozen juice bars

peanut M&M’s

banana smoothies

salads, stuffed Portobello mushrooms

kale

and macaroni—of any kind

Actually I could live on the stuff.

Tofu is okay

Soy or bust

beans and peas and lentils

and curry and tacos and salsa

and fish and eggs and cheese

and ice-cream

gotta have that!

Life wouldn’t be worth living

without my ice-cream

and dark chocolate.

So WHAT I am-- is not even

close to a vegetarian

nope not at all

I just don’t eat meat.

I don’t color

inside no stinking lines

neither.

So call me whatever you want

I’ll still be blessed

with the right combination of

genes

locale and

skills.

Go roll that

in your

Űber hoity toity degree

and smoke it! 

Facebook Mania

Write  a poem using the following words: flood - crying - lost - hope - fun - laughter - rough. Words may be used in different formats (for example: cry, crying, cried) 

A downward spiral

has sucked my brain

into an alarming flood

of multitudinous meanderings.

Exotic monikers

light up my screen

new and old

parading requests

to come and have fun

let’s play games

text and extol

fanciful tales of joy

and woe. You are among friends.

A veritable montage of

learning follows

from a newborn’s first  hopeful cry, to

old best friends who have died too young

and others that married the football captain

the proctologist, and the now homeless

comedian as he muses on future

High School reunions.

Idle laughter distilled while

tracking

through

the thick confluence

of a rough relational glue

sold for a click

amid lost days

spent

dodging real

hopelessly caught up

in playing

pretend.

**Disclaimer—a creation.

I Don’t Eat Meat

Listen up okay, because I’m only going to say this once--I’m a vegetarian.

I don’t eat meat. 

I’m not a NUT.

I do eat  nuts, vegetables, fruit, noodles, soy, mushrooms, and beans.

Are you aware that they inject all kinds of antibiotics into that meat you eat?

Yes, that same food supply and those same corporations that are actually causing and perpetuating WORLD HUNGER, because we humans could be eating the grain that they are feeding to the cows, that could live quite well on GRASS, if we didn’t destroy the topsoil in this country’s heartland; livestock and chickens that are being injected with hormones to make them grow bigger and faster and forced to live in filthy cramped conditions, just so they can be slaughtered sooner to end up on your high priced plate next to that tiny gray vegetable that you cooked to death instead of steaming.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t eat meat, I’m saying that I don’t

and I would appreciate it if you stopped pushing your opinion down my throat

because opinions are like assholes,

everyone has one and they all stink.

And if you think that your shit is ICE-CREAM,

I got some swamp land in the desert for you.

Here, let me spell it out for you,

V- is for vegetables-fruits and grains, heart healthy nutrients feeding the world.

E- is for educated in diet and nutrition.

G- is for I’m game to kick your gamey ass—so don’t try to mix in any meat with that rice.

E- is for educated—is there an echo in here?

T- is for taught new and interesting recipes.

A- is for able to find plenty of viable alternatives to the protein equation.

R-is for ready to retrain my brain.

I-is for independent, so don’t get any smart ideas.

A-is for action and yes, I still have ALL my marbles.

N- is for NO, I don’t eat meat that means no red meat, no fowl, no pork, no lamb, no deer, alligator, rabbit,
 road kill, worms or insects even if they are dipped in CHOCOLATE.

Do you have it yet?

Moon

Harvest Moon

Remembering 9-11-01

Imploding towers

piled tons of ash and debris

atop shattered lives.

Terror brought home, 

snuffed out by solid leadership

remembered by those left behind.

Loved ones remembered

our country united

faithful and steadfast.

Cautionary note

to those of that ilk

we will hunt you down.

There will be a reckoning

We will not forget the day 

that changed our world.

Rapunzel

Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!

Come on dearie
don't be so Grimm

there’s nothing left to fear.
The big bad wolf
evil prick that he is
is fooling with some
naive Red Riding Hood
on Facebook
and the wicked enchantress
has roared off
on her broom
to see the fall colors
on the southern rim
of the Grand Canyon.

It’s okay to come out.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

The bogey woman has left the building
went out for a mocha frappuccino.
She got bored
this story is too predictable
so she went off
to scare up a new Prince.
All the evil turds are gone
Rapunzel
and you’ve gotten the pink slip.

Wake-up sweetie
It’s going to be okay
it was just a nightmare
Yeah- you got banged up a bit
but you made it.

Rapunzel –it’s time to escape
from your ivory tower
maybe go for a makeover.
Color those roots
get out of that frumpy dress
invest in a manicure.

Seriously
you are among friends.
You are a survivor.
It’s over!
And like they say
at the end of the story
And she lived

Happily Ever After!

Please vote for my story on Reader's Digest
Thank you!

http://apps.facebook.com/yourlifecontest/content/our-new-home

Make Me Hot

Make me hot

I want to sizzle

like an egg sunny side up

with my edges lightly browned

crisp

no humdrum lines

or snot

diminishing a

first impression.

I want them

to inhale

my scent

like hungry dogs

hot on the trail

of a

meaty

thigh

bone

dripping

with

drop dead sinew

and pearly white

panache.

Your Taste

You are dark and scathing

hinting at forgotten pleasure

bribing my subconscious

beneath a cloak of sultry red still

you continue to whisper my name.

Tempting rogue

you alone know how to

twist my desire

and color my lust.

I am a nun

and solitary.

This phase will

forge

my chain

secure my allegiance

rebuild a bold character

and transform my prison

but I shall die

before I

forget

your taste.

Emotional Muggers

An Emotional Mugging

is calling up your family

expecting an earful

but getting

an exploding doormat  instead.

is thinking your friends

have your best interests

in mind and finding they’ve

relished eating your heart out.

Emotional muggers

know something

nasty about you

and aren’t afraid to use it.

Emotional muggers

can cripple you

with their love.

First Friday- Poetry Slam