Monday, September 19, 2011

Golf Rant

Golf makes me ponder
life’s eternal mysteries
and scratch my head
how hard can it be
to hit a stationary object
from a stationary position
with the sun shining in your eyes
three hundred and fifty yards from a four-inch hole?

Did I mention
that you have to swing with
your inferior hand and arm
not the one you are used to using 
the arm and hand that has a mind of its own
that would bitch slap you if it could
and who is the jackass who invented this game anyway?

I mean, whose idea it was
to sink a white-dimpled ball into a four-inch hole
in FOUR strokes or less
two of those strokes being putts?

Putting is a key component of mastering the game
because that hole
is getting smaller as we speak
and don’t tell anyone this
but I saw the hole move
to the right 
on more than one occasion
and it’s always after I make my putt
And No, I wasn’t drinking!

This makes me think
that you have to be either manic 
or a serious alcoholic
to keep up 
with moving holes, undulating greens, and passing cloud bursts
because on the off chance 
that you aren’t either of those
you would have to 
spend every spare moment
or LIVE ON the Golf Course
and we all know that people who live on golf courses
don’t play golf
because those little white balls
crash through their windows
from time to time 
annoying the family pet
who has more pressing things on his mind
like how to get out of the weekly
grooming appointment
because darling Mr. Pepper
doesn’t do Frufuu
and he ain’t wearing
No Stinkin Pink Bows!

So that wayward golf ball 
crashing through the window
could set this stressed-out canine off
resulting in some pretty nasty repercussions
like rapid-fire barking and
confiscating said golf ball 
producing a domino effect
witnessed by other stressed out golfers 
intent on hitting
their stationary ball
now distracted
and missing their shot
aiming instead at 
the aforementioned poodle
with the pink bow
who has a white golf ball
in his mouth
and won’t let the said player
have it back 
who in turn
won’t let anyone else play through.

Now have I mentioned 
that the rules state 
to play the ball as it lies
or take a two-stroke penalty?

I mean, have you heard of anything dumber
then playing a game where
you are expected to penalize yourself
AND be honest about it?

I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

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