Monday, September 19, 2011

Golf Rant


Golf makes me ponder
life’s eternal mysteries
and scratch my head
thinking
how hard can it be
to hit a stationary object
from a stationary position
with the sun shining in your eyes
three hundred and fifty yards from a four-inch hole?

Did I mention
that you have to swing with
your inferior hand and arm
not the one you are used to using 
NOPE--the OTHER ONE
the arm and hand that has a mind of its own
that would bitch slap you if it could
and who is the jackass who invented this game anyway?

I mean, whose idea it was
to sink a white-dimpled ball into a four-inch hole
in FOUR strokes or less
two of those strokes being putts?

Putting is a key component of mastering the game
because that hole
is getting smaller as we speak
and don’t tell anyone this
but I saw the hole move
to the right 
on more than one occasion
and it’s always after I make my putt
And No, I wasn’t drinking!

This makes me think
that you have to be either manic 
or a serious alcoholic
to keep up 
with moving holes, undulating greens, and passing cloud bursts
because on the off chance 
that you aren’t either of those
you would have to 
spend every spare moment
PRACTICING
or LIVE ON the Golf Course
and we all know that people who live on golf courses
don’t play golf
because those little white balls
crash through their windows
from time to time 
annoying the family pet
who has more pressing things on his mind
like how to get out of the weekly
grooming appointment
because darling Mr. Pepper
doesn’t do Frufuu
and he ain’t wearing
No Stinkin Pink Bows!

So that wayward golf ball 
crashing through the window
could set this stressed-out canine off
resulting in some pretty nasty repercussions
like rapid-fire barking and
confiscating said golf ball 
producing a domino effect
witnessed by other stressed out golfers 
intent on hitting
their stationary ball
now distracted
and missing their shot
aiming instead at 
the aforementioned poodle
with the pink bow
who has a white golf ball
with YOUR NAME ON IT
in his mouth
and won’t let the said player
have it back 
who in turn
won’t let anyone else play through.

Now have I mentioned 
that the rules state 
to play the ball as it lies
or take a two-stroke penalty?

I mean, have you heard of anything dumber
then playing a game where
you are expected to penalize yourself
AND be honest about it?

I’ll give you a minute to think about it.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Beavers Spotted on the I-70



C-B
Trucker lingo
confirms a Big 10-4
eyeballs a carload of beavers
hot—dam!

CB Radio--Truckers way of communicating--popular in 70-80's
Beavers-women
Big 10-4- totally agree

Beaver Sighting


Bandit: Breaker, breaker--This is the Bandit, I got the hammer on the floor and looking for more on the I-70 heading west at mile marker 95 coming out of Kansas City—on channel 2-4 anyone got their ears on, come back?
Rock: You got the Rock on channel 2-4 heading towards Denver; I’m at the front door–mile marker 100 heading west. Bandit change to channel 2-2, come back.
Bandit: 10-4, changing to 2-2. Rock this is the Bandit, I got the back door–seen any bears in them woods- come back?
Rock: Ease back on that hammer Bandit we got a Papa bear in a plain brown wrapper at the 99 mile marker, come back.
Bandit: Thank you kindly Rock. Whatcha hauling, come back?
Rock: Life is better with Coca Cola, come back.
Bandit: I’m at the Ball Park with some Angus beef franks, come back.
Rock: Bandit, we got a beaver sighting at the 103 mile marker doing a double nickel—repeat a pack of beavers coming at you with their top down. Got a pink one and the sun is shining bright, come back.
Bandit: Repeat, did you say a beaver pack, come back?
Rock: Should be coming up real soon—four beavers with their top down in a shiny red convertible, come back.
Bandit: That’s a big 10-4, Rock– and they’re smokin hot.
Rock: I’m heading to the Golden State of California, come back– been rolling since 3am.
Bandit: 10-4, hooking up in Wyoming the Equality State—gonna suds ‘em up and find me a sleeper leaper at the pickle park, come back.
Rock: That’s a big 10-4, I’m dancing solo—got me a honey back in San Antonio.
Bandit: Roger that Rock, thank you kindly, this is the Bandit signing off-catch you on the flip flop.
Rock: That’s an affirmative Bandit, Breaker, breaker--you got the Rock heading west at mile marker 175 keep your wheels on the ground and your tool well oiled—anybody out there got their ears on, come back?
CB Radio Slang
On the floor and looking for more: accelerating to full speed
Front door: first truck in the convoy
Back door: last truck in the convoy
Double nickel: 55 miles per hour
Papa Bear- State police
Plain brown wrapper: unmarked brown vehicle
Beaver: woman
Flip flop: on the return trip
Sleeper leaper: working girl
Pickle park: rest area known for working girls
Suds: beer

Smile!




Picture
natural world
inspired by a prompt
unique mixed media designs
collage

Comedy Theme-cinquain


Picture
hilarious
inspired by a prompt
unique mixed media design
collage


Thursday, September 15, 2011

No Labels




Flexitarian
Pescatarian
Vegetarian
call it whatever you want
I Don’t Eat Meat!

I woke up the other day
thinking I knew
WHAT I was.
I was wrong.
I got an education in
the many types of vegetarianism
It is more complicated than I thought
apparently I’m NOT ONE
nope-- none of the above.
I actually thought I might be a Pescatarian
for half a minute
but I’m NOT that either
Sound frustrating?
All I know for certain is
that I don’t have any health problems
bleeding hemorrhoids
indigestion
or weight gain.
I exercise
I take my vitamins and
occasionally when the dust bunnies
threaten mutiny
I even vacuum.

I love Netflix
and frozen juice bars
peanut M&M’s
banana smoothies
salads, stuffed Portobello mushrooms
kale
and macaroni—of any kind
Actually I could live on the stuff.
Tofu is okay
Soy or bust
beans and peas and lentils
and curry and tacos and salsa
and fish and eggs and cheese
and ice-cream
gotta have that!
Life wouldn’t be worth living
without my ice-cream
and dark chocolate.

So WHAT I am-- is not even
close to a vegetarian
nope not at all
I just don’t eat meat.
I don’t color
inside no stinking lines
neither.

So call me whatever you want
I’ll still be blessed
with the right combination of
genes
locale and
skills.
Go roll that
in your
Å°ber hoity toity degree
and smoke it! 

Facebook Mania


Write  a poem using the following words: flood - crying - lost - hope - fun - laughter - rough. Words may be used in different formats (for example: cry, crying, cried) 


A downward spiral
has sucked my brain
into an alarming flood
of multitudinous meanderings.

Exotic monikers
light up my screen
new and old
parading requests
to come and have fun
let’s play games
text and extol
fanciful tales of joy
and woe. You are among friends.

A veritable montage of
learning follows
from a newborn’s first  hopeful cry, to
old best friends who have died too young
and others that married the football captain
the proctologist, and the now homeless
comedian as he muses on future
High School reunions.

Idle laughter distilled while
tracking
through
the thick confluence
of a rough relational glue
sold for a click
amid lost days
spent
dodging real
hopelessly caught up
in playing
pretend.

**Disclaimer—a creation.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

I Don’t Eat Meat



Listen up okay, because I’m only going to say this once--I’m a vegetarian.
I don’t eat meat. 
I’m not a NUT.
I do eat  nuts, vegetables, fruit, noodles, soy, mushrooms, and beans.

Are you aware that they inject all kinds of antibiotics into that meat you eat?

Yes, that same food supply and those same corporations that are actually causing and perpetuating WORLD HUNGER, because we humans could be eating the grain that they are feeding to the cows, that could live quite well on GRASS, if we didn’t destroy the topsoil in this country’s heartland; livestock and chickens that are being injected with hormones to make them grow bigger and faster and forced to live in filthy cramped conditions, just so they can be slaughtered sooner to end up on your high priced plate next to that tiny gray vegetable that you cooked to death instead of steaming.

So I’m not saying that you shouldn’t eat meat, I’m saying that I don’t

and I would appreciate it if you stopped pushing your opinion down my throat
because opinions are like assholes,
everyone has one and they all stink.
And if you think that your shit is ICE-CREAM,
I got some swamp land in the desert for you.

Here, let me spell it out for you,

V- is for vegetables-fruits and grains, heart healthy nutrients feeding the world.
E- is for educated in diet and nutrition.
G- is for I’m game to kick your gamey ass—so don’t try to mix in any meat with that rice.
E- is for educated—is there an echo in here?
T- is for taught new and interesting recipes.
A- is for able to find plenty of viable alternatives to the protein equation.
R-is for ready to retrain my brain.
I-is for independent, so don’t get any smart ideas.
A-is for action and yes, I still have ALL my marbles.
N- is for NO, I don’t eat meat that means no red meat, no fowl, no pork, no lamb, no deer, alligator, rabbit,
 road kill, worms or insects even if they are dipped in CHOCOLATE.

Do you have it yet?


Moon


Posted by Picasa

Harvest Moon

Posted by Picasa

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Remembering 9-11-01



Imploding towers
piled tons of ash and debris
atop shattered lives.

Terror brought home, 
snuffed out by solid leadership
remembered by those left behind.

Loved ones remembered
our country united
faithful and steadfast.

Cautionary note
to those of that ilk
we will hunt you down.

There will be a reckoning
We will not forget the day 
that changed our world.


Saturday, September 10, 2011

Rapunzel



Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!

Come on dearie
don't be so Grimm
there’s nothing left to fear.
The big bad wolf
evil prick that he is
is fooling with some
naive Red Riding Hood
on Facebook
and the wicked enchantress
has roared off
on her broom
to see the fall colors
on the southern rim
of the Grand Canyon.

It’s okay to come out.

Olly Olly Oxen Free!

The bogey woman has left the building
went out for a mocha frappuccino.
She got bored
this story is too predictable
so she went off
to scare up a new Prince.
All the evil turds are gone
Rapunzel
and you’ve gotten the pink slip.

Wake-up sweetie
It’s going to be okay
it was just a nightmare
Yeah- you got banged up a bit
but you made it.

Rapunzel –it’s time to escape
from your ivory tower
maybe go for a makeover.
Color those roots
get out of that frumpy dress
invest in a manicure.

Seriously
you are among friends.
You are a survivor.
It’s over!
And like they say
at the end of the story
And she lived

Happily Ever After!



Friday, September 9, 2011

Please vote for my story on Reader's Digest
Thank you!

http://apps.facebook.com/yourlifecontest/content/our-new-home

Make Me Hot


Make me hot
I want to sizzle
like an egg sunny side up
with my edges lightly browned
crisp
no humdrum lines
or snot
diminishing a
first impression.
I want them
to inhale
my scent
like hungry dogs
hot on the trail
of a
meaty
thigh
bone
dripping
with
drop dead sinew
and pearly white
panache.


Thursday, September 8, 2011

Your Taste



You are dark and scathing
hinting at forgotten pleasure
bribing my subconscious
beneath a cloak of sultry red still
you continue to whisper my name.

Tempting rogue
you alone know how to
twist my desire
and color my lust.

I am a nun
and solitary.

This phase will
forge
my chain
secure my allegiance
rebuild a bold character
and transform my prison
but I shall die
before I
forget
your taste.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Emotional Muggers


An Emotional Mugging

is calling up your family
expecting an earful
but getting
an exploding doormat  instead.

is thinking your friends
have your best interests
in mind and finding they’ve
relished eating your heart out.

Emotional muggers
know something
nasty about you
and aren’t afraid to use it.

Emotional muggers
can cripple you
with their love.


Featured Post

The Dark Path Brightens

It occurs to me That I require an ideal To summit these peaks. Something more than a patch. My tenacity shouts above my perception Shooting ...