Step number three is let go of your FEAR:

Again, I know, this is like asking for a miracle.  I can hear what you are thinking because I’m psychic.

But, what if something happens to him/her And I’m Not There? What if he/she needs a ride somewhere? You know important shit like--What will he/she eat? Where—OMG—will he/she sleep-- If I’m NOT THERE?  My son spent plenty of nights sleeping on the beach, under a tree, on a chair, or on the floor of some garage.  And I in all my magical godlike powers was right there with him—WORRYING! Funny in retrospect, that doesn’t sound too godlike does it?

You can’t live their lives for them and you shouldn’t even try!  I remember how I was at that age—you couldn’t tell me anything. I had to learn it for myself. What made me think that my child was any different?

LETTING GO OF YOUR FEAR will set you free. It will un-stick you, remove the paralysis that threatens to take you down and swallow you like quicksand.

I know that when I do something positive instead of worrying, like going to a meeting,  for a walk, taking a yoga class, or volunteering,  will help. Taking that first step, finding people in the same situation as yourself, and getting out there will take you out of your self-imposed isolation. It will restore you to sanity.

My take—on Al-Anon’s Courage to Change © 1992

I am proud of the fact that I am a survivor. I've experienced  many struggles in order to arrive exactly where I am today. Today I know that I am  much MORE than my troubles.  I am a human being with dignity.  I have a wealth of knowledge that I can share with others who are going through similar difficulties.  I needn’t FEAR the challenges of the future. I know that I am a stronger person as a result of what I have been through. I am ready to pass it forward.

“When it gets dark enough, you can see the stars.”~ Charles A. Beard

Step to Sanity--cont.

2. The second step is that YOU need to CHANGE

YES --YOU and your significant other and the way you relate to YOUR ADDICT. You need to stop and think before you buy them a new car, pay for college, pay for their apartment, groceries. What do you think you are you telling them if you still want to take care of them?  You’re telling them that they can’t take care of themselves. You’re telling them that you don’t have any faith in them, that without YOU they are NOTHING. And I KNOW that that is NOT what you meant!

You meant to reward them for accomplishing their goal. You meant it to be a help up—not a hand out. But that isn’t what you are saying, bless your hearts. That is why YOU need to CHANGE. Because even though you mean well, you are the biggest part of the problem.  I went so far as to make friends with the so-called well-adjusted families.  What did they do that we didn’t?  I was on a mission.  Guess what I learned?  They have problems too, only they handle them DIFFERENTLY. My husband used to say, be like Mr. Spock from Star Trek, BE LOGICAL.  But I’m getting ahead of myself.

In order to change you need to read or better still listen to WHO MOVED MY CHEESE by Spenser Johnson MD.

Well……

My paraphrase from an old copy of Courage to Change-Al-Anon Family Groups © 1992

November 1

Todays’ reminder

Sometimes I have to let go of a problem before I can find a solution.  My thoughts racing inside my head may be too noisy to hear my inner voice or the guidance it is offering.  Quieting the noise is a skill I can learn with practice.  In Al-Anon practice makes progress, one minute, one thought at a time.

“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quiet in a room alone”~ Blaise Pascal

Steps To Sanity

NOVEMBER is CRYSTAL METH AWARENESS MONTH--

My son is still in a program the twelfth or thirteenth— I've lost track. He’s been everywhere from Hina Mauka, a 28 Day short term treatment center on Oahu to the Salvation Army, to Habilitat, a long term residential facility and now Drug Court an outpatient two year state sponsored supervised release program. He’s about two months from graduating—and I’m holding my breath-- because what usually happens is he graduates and then he relapses about a week later. Then it takes the courts about a year to catch him because well-meaning ENABLERS will HELP him by giving him money, a place to sleep, and a  motorcycle to ride around in.  The legal system is burdened—there is an epidemic of drug addicts out there. We are the family of a Meth addict.

Don't get me wrong--my son has a job. He is in a responsible position and in a “relationship” according to his Facebook  status. We are NOT friends on Facebook. I am too embarrassing, too loud for his taste.  I want to share my book Letters to a Prisoner by Connie D. and that makes him uncomfortable—he wants to put all that behind him. He wants to MOVE ON with his life. 

My husband and I have been permanently changed.   GOD or WHOEVER  has left HIS  imprint on us-he’s tapped me on the shoulder, shaken  me, kicked me in the ASS a couple of times and rudely awoken me from my stupor which pretty much sums up the way I used to feel.  My face has premature lines, although I still look pretty according to my husband. Of course his near vision isn’t what it used to be.

Stressed out doesn’t even begin to cover it. It’s been over ten years. And yes, I still have hope. Go figure!

SO, HOW DO YOU SURVIVE—when your whole world is crashing down?

EASY, you start by taking care of YOURSELF.  You understand that there is absolutely NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO CHANGE what THE ADDICT does. TRUST ME on this! It takes TIME to calm down, to snap out of your reverie but there is LOADS of THAT. YES GOD, I’M LISTENING!

** Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing ever happened. ~ Winston S. Churchill

Stay tuned for number two……

Happy Halloween

Punch in

punch out the freak

that glares from a dark niche

crimson canines bared tongue trickling  

verbose.

Verbose

morose fat toad

bluster soaked dripping cad

is quite mad drops now from rafter 

crawls on

Crawls on

past old paint flakes

reflecting on  dinner

in the old clapboard haunted house

spider.

Book Giveaway

Enter to win your FREE COPY of Letters to a Prisoner! Deadline November 10-2011

http://www.goodreads.com/giveaway/show/14648-letters-to-a-prisoner

Frenzy

I stuffed them all down

like a good little girl

urged to swallow her medicine.

Raw red meat

in a

black and white

world.

Tender tongues 

twisted and ripped-out

like an old rubber band.

As their groans

splashed crimson

across my

reckoning

distracted by my next meal

as a  mad ghoul

lunges past me,  down this dark corridor.

Rain

Parkia Timoriana- Fabaceae-Pea Family

Movement

I’m moving on

past

the old boundaries of

I do not do that

I don’t think I can

I’m too old and

I’m afraid.

I’m plotting a new course

steering clear of old distractions

three steps forward

two back

taking the time

to listen and learn.

Pressing on because I MUST

and sidetracked

because

I hunger for what is comfortable

choosing safety

quelling my passion.

AND yet, I thirst

to make a difference

to leave my mark

to plant a seed, my seed

in the wild weed-ridden

misconstrued fields.

Hoping to turn wildflowers

into diamond pink petals and

lavender lined gardens

into a redolent harvest

of hybrid teas.

My arms open

willing to absorb the risk

stir in a bit of pain, discomfort.

I step up

into judgment

reaching out past the wise ones

the kupuna who have led me up to this place

the highest, most precious peaks

in the shadow of the Koolau

spreading their velvet-green robes

beyond

my self-imposed

self-absorbed limits

crowning present possibilities

seated upon this

pivotal throne.

Titanic Artifact Exhibition

Permission granted

come aboard the Titanic

cruise unsinkable. 

Dreaming

Dreaming
about the day
when I am a superstar
can only take me so far
and then what?

Will I magically transform
into a superhuman being
save lives
inspire
rewire the cosmic hard drive?
How will it change our universe
reflect
refract
belch
suck up
expand in a meaningful way?
and to whom
and for what purpose?

Does anyone REALLY know
and see the BIG picture?

There are literally thousands of theories
bombarding us everyday
electrons
protons
atoms
smashing
splitting
all around us
it’s amazing
that we
can HEAR
decipher
anything
at all.
Anything viable that is
over the concussion
percussion
discussion
Maalox
Taxes
Medical bills
Unemployment
Drug addict superstars
ENABLING doctors
Food borne illnesses
Egos of giant corporations
selling us one last pull
on the MEGA BUCK machine.

Now concentrate
stay with me
This is it!
Don’t waste it
you can almost taste it
on the tip of your tongue
and then…
it’ll be gone.

In the meantime you'll pick yourself up
dust yourself off
and continue to play this amazing game of pretend.
And wait for it...there’s a Barker
with a GIANT MEGAPHONE...directing you to step this way!

Okay--class
let’s pretend
EVERYTHING will all work out
that all of this chaos
is insignificant
and our distant relatives
or GODS if you prefer
from heaven
are just a little late
to pick us up
for our continuing trip
on the way
to our NEW HOME
where everything is
waiting for us
pristine
a paradise of epic proportions
and everybody you ever knew
is waiting there for you
to fill you in 

on what you’ve been missing
and they are so glad you came and
the only thing you are sorry about
is that it took you so long to die.

Then they take you
to feed the machine
you know the human eater
that shiny metal object over there
with the teeth.
Yeah—the one with your name on it.
But don’t WORRY
because you won’t feel a thing
because you are already DEAD
NOPE—won’t hurt a bit
AND THEN…
Then… you can eat all that ice-cream
and all the artery clogging shit
you’ve ever wanted
but couldn’t have
because of stupid things like high cholesterol
and heart disease.
You know…
because --like
you won’t have a heart anymore.
NOPE…you won’t have a heart
a body
limbs
Or a BRAIN.

You’ll just be a transparent
ground-up form
floating around in the ether
and shucks
I really hate to burst your bubble
but you know that safe ice-cream
that I was telling you about?
Well that shit ain’t real either
But it… Bitch--SLAP
sure was one
hell of RIDE
wasn’t it?

Sunrise 10-13-11

Silly--Savvy

Copy this

down but only

take credit for

what is yours

something I heard

repeatedly in school.

 Stick it

don’t pick it

on the wall

from the ground

where the moon don’t shine.

Paste your words

and your turds

on a visible sheet

separate the wheat

from the chaff

and laugh

don’t frown

lift your chins

stretch your neck

because heck

it just ain’t

pretty anymore.

Inspire

don’t tire

or get stuck

in the quagmire

of   forlorn

torn

and unglued.

Paint

don’t faint

from that beer

or good cheer

staring at the belly

of jelly

in the bottom

of your glass

fat bass.

The Difference is ME

The difference is ME

not some world

that you hang on a chain

around

your neck

that

stiffly smiles

indifferent.

Don't Suck-- Spit

You know the spiel.
Get inspired
Write about something that moves you
Paint using vivid images
And if you can’t
at least have the good sense
to make it short.
Sell it
Show some cleavage
Leave them wanting more
And If you are lucky enough and talented enough to get noticed
go to the awards ceremony, celebrate
But don’t let it get to your head
Stay humble
afterwards go home and
write something else.
Stick with what you know
stick with what works.

Scratch that,
It really doesn’t matter
what subject you choose
it isn’t even the style you use
all that really matters is if
anyone else cares
or can relate to your
drivel, I mean
take spit for instance.
Yeah—you heard me….SALIVA.

Now let’s show what would happen
 if I spit on the sidewalk…
Or—if you’d rather go first
I’ll wait.

it wouldn’t be as interesting though
as if I spit in your face
now would it?

I mean
think about it
what  could you create with spit
maybe take a stick
a little paint
some canvas
an old T-shirt
It might translate into something unique
It might even parade around as ART
SURE…
and pretty soon EVERYBODY
would have to have it
and it might even come in different textures
and tongues—LONG WINDED ONES
AND before you know it
there would be a MOVEMENT
And people could follow your BRAND

and you could get a Twitter button

It would be so COOL and like
maybe the Kardashian’s would
design some spit fashions
for Sears
and well
the rest...
The REST
is still unwritten.

Just This

Love means

I’ll help you pack

then prepare your dinner

but stress me out and I will eat

your young.

Red Dawn

The sun winks red-faced

on its upward climb

chased by sultry hounds

slobbering wet kisses

drenching the cracked brown earth

snaking a path to the sea.

Two dendrobiums snatched

by teething pair

chomped

discarded

alone.

The culprits

soon jailed

by a critical gust

curling hot on their

red heels.

Practical

Perky banks minutes

pens animated haiku

time for pedicure.

Pregnant with Possibility

Mother Earth 
orbits the Sun
pregnant with the seed of life.
Papa Moon glows
rocking the vast oceans 
flexing his muscles
at the growing
galaxy 
he has considered 
since the ancient of days
in this vast playpen growing, multi-hued and
littered with the debris of self absorbed toddlers.

Time passes filling the void
pressing against the outer limits
stretching, kicking, gurgling and cooing
Until...Uncle-- Papa cries, finally
shaking his head
fixed on  a yellow star
as it transforms into a red dwarf and explodes 
ripping a black hole
into the silk wall 
silhouetting space time 
inhaling all, including Mama and her afterbirth 
extruding still, new dimensions
on an infinite cycle 
alive with possibility.

Love in the Time of Compost

Love allows that even a clothes horse 

can have an off day
and knows when to put the blinders on.

Love bows at the sacrificial altar
of burnt beyond recognition
with a branded tongue.


Love relaxes with the Kama Sutra
inhaling a strawberry soufflé
sensually whipped.


Love lets you have first dibs
on the massage chair
kneading and pummeling your
way to RELIEF---
then hands you a post hole digger
to plant a 3' tree.