Ionithermie at the Spa on Holland America Line

The forecast says fair weather blue skies.
It’s Friday, another beautiful day at sea.
I’m on the spa phone talking to my husband
and signalling Vittorio, my spa attendant,
to please get me an Evian—
Dear, you should see him leering?
I swear all they do is flirt.
I’m early for my appointment, papers to fill out.
They want to know if I’ve ever had a hot rocks treatment
it is the latest in their line of relaxation treatments.
Yes I know I took the tour!
They also have teeth whitening.

I ask, Cassie, my clinician, about something
I’ve seen in the brochure
I noticed something here
about detoxification and cellulite reduction,
what’s that all about?

Oh it’s non-invasive!
We use electricity
at a low voltage
and we steadily increase it to detox
your cells
thereby breaking down
your fat cells and
reducing the appearance of cellulite.

First you have to take off everything.
we supply you with paper panties.
Then we slather you with mineral treatment
and finally we attach the electrodes.
You feel tiny shocks on the designated areas.
The treatment lasts for about twenty minutes
and requires you come back two more times.

How do you know how many watts to use?
It's as much as you can take.
We guarantee at least a four inch
combined fat reduction
from your hips, stomach and thighs.
Okay sign me up for the works.

Hello dear,
Yes I’ve signed up
for the electric shock treatment,
only they call it something else
Ionithermie.
What’s that?
Oh thanks dear,
he said, Good Luck!