Showing posts with label Santa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Santa. Show all posts

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Dear Santa- (Explicit)



Can I pick yea brain?
sing yea refrain
catch dat train
to a minty fresh glade
on a fresh escapade
schlepping  wit ju
or OUT on a date

TRY WAIT-- ONE freakin MINUTE
WAT?

Schlepping wit ju?

Sounds like a slur
of either Mexican or Jewish intent
and dat is not what I meant
to say
It’s CHRISTMAS, Okay!

Santa
better check dat list
I think you may’ve MISSED
my name
while I was singing yea refrain
on dat train from Spain
which stays mainly on da plain
and it’s stays RAININ not snowing
which BLOWS big time
when you’re old and cold
and have a fixed income

AND JEESH dose antlers
are making me want to
chain you up and ride you like a horse
but I promised to behave this month, Santa
SHHH, steady!

So the MALL
is DAT WAY
go hop in yea sleigh
and I’m a size six
and I like blue and purple
and gold and shiny tings
hearts and flowers
ivory towers
not chicken wings
or old smelly T-shirts.

BUT after thirty odd years
of blood, sweat and tears
of cradles and vomit
blue moons and comets
I still prefer schlepping and schtupping
and some other stuff
I can’t mention right now
wit ju
OH MY!!!!

Laters, Santa ;)
Your Naughty-Nice Mrs. C
xxxoooo<>xxxoooo

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Santa's Sandwich

Santa's Sandwich


Santa's sandwich
got eaten
by Sally, a very large mouse
with glasses
who absolutely loves
Salami and Swiss.
Her favorite is liverwurst
with tomato and onion
but mice have to eat what they can get
so today it is Salami and Swiss
on a toasted bagel with mayo
and sliced in half for her little mouse
size mouth which never shuts up anymore
according to her spouse
and like it’s TRUE—
Sally could go on and on and on
but she won’t
`cause she needs to finish her sandwich
and Miss Manners says it’s not polite to talk with a full mouthed mouse –which has Santa’s sandwich half eaten in her mouth. And Morris, the house cat is sleeping right now and she doesn’t want to wake him up `because he is such a grouch when someone wakes him …especially when he’s in the middle of a really good mouse dream. So Sally is chewing really QUIETly - shh!!
(WHISPERING NOW)
Miss Manners also says to finish the WHOLE sandwich or Sally is going to wind up on Santa’s naughty list… because it is not good to be wasteful, since people are hungry and would be ever so thankful for even one tiny morsel of that sandwich, so Sally better finish it all… and to chew it one hundred times or she is going to get one elephant sized stomach ache for eating Santa’s sandwich too fast…AND SALLY wants to wish you all a MERRY CHRISTMAS because mice don’t have to worry about being politically correct or any other human hang-ups—

BURP- WHEW! 

Sally is so full of salami that she needs to go take a nap now—but first she’s going to leave a note for the big guy –

DEAR sANTa,
I got Tired of Waiting and I’m real Sorry, but I ATE your Sandwich— I hope you don’t hold that against me. Because I was really looking forward to getting a fresh block of CHEESE for the winter and not for nothing, but you would be a lot healthier if you dropped a few lbs. OH - And I almost forgot, DON’T WAKE MORRIS!!
Signed,
Morris’s prey-mate,
Sally



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